As we evolve through life, many of us develop a tendency to please others, often at the expense of our own desires and well-being. Here, I explore the common yet often unrecognised habit of people-pleasing, which is particularly prevalent among women (sadly). And, of course, I offer practical steps to reclaim your autonomy and self-worth.
The roots of people-pleasing
Looking back on my youth, I see a version of myself that was fearless, striding confidently in Doc Martens and a ballgown through supermarket aisles, unfazed by societal expectations. But as life’s responsibilities grew and workplace dynamics shifted, particularly under overly-authoritative (usually male) senior managers, I found myself transforming into a people pleaser —blurring the lines between my desires and the perceived expectations of others. Looking back, I can now see how much I missed out on while doing my best to please others and I feel a pang of resentment. This transformation isn’t unique to me, though. Many women find themselves in similar situations, subtly coerced into submissiveness by societal roles and professional pressures.
For some, the behaviour starts innocently in childhood, as we seek approval and acceptance by adhering to adult expectations. As teenagers, this evolves into peer conformity, and later, as parents, we again mould ourselves to be ideal role models, often side-lining our own needs.
Identifying as a people-pleaser
Realising you are a people pleaser is the crucial first step towards change. Do you often find yourself saying yes to others at the expense of your own time and desires? Are your days filled with activities that serve others’ happiness but leave you feeling unfulfilled? Many of us can relate to these clear signs of people-pleasing behaviour.
People pleasers often find themselves in a constant battle with loneliness and insecurity, driven by a chronic lack of self-esteem. They habitually seek validation by making others happy, a rewarding yet exhausting cycle where you ignore your own needs.
Impact on life and relationships
The consequences of chronic people-pleasing are profound. It can lead to feeling overwhelmed and taken advantage of, as people-pleasers often take on more responsibilities than they can manage. Over time, this can lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity. Social interactions, too, can become strained. People-pleasers frequently find themselves in one-sided relationships where their kindness and willingness to accommodate are exploited. This can lead to deteriorating relationships and a decrease in personal satisfaction.
Social interactions, too, can become strained. People pleasers frequently find themselves in one-sided relationships where their kindness and willingness to accommodate are exploited. This can lead to deteriorating relationships and a decrease in personal satisfaction.
Strategies to help
- Assertiveness training
One practical approach to overcoming people-pleasing is learning to be assertive. This involves confidently expressing your thoughts and feelings and standing up for your rights while respecting others. Simple practices include:
– Saying no without feeling guilty.
– Expressing your needs and desires openly.
– Setting and enforcing personal boundaries.
- Cognitive behavioural techniques
Cognitive-behavioural strategies can help change the thought patterns that drive people-pleasing behaviours. Techniques include:
– Identifying and challenging negative thoughts about self-worth that fuel your people-pleasing.
– Practicing self-affirmation to boost self-esteem and reduce dependency on others for validation.
– Mindfulness exercises to stay present and focused on your own needs.
- Building healthy relationships
Moving away from people-pleasing behaviours allows for the development of healthier, more balanced relationships. This includes:
– Choosing relationships where mutual respect and reciprocity are foundational.
– Communicating openly about your feelings and expectations.
– Engaging in relationships that bring joy and personal growth. Ditch those that won’t honour your boundaries.
Embracing Authenticity
Overcoming people-pleasing is not about becoming selfish but rather about finding a balance where you can respect both your needs and those of others. It’s about building relationships based on genuine interaction rather than obligation or fear of disapproval.
By addressing people pleasing, you open the door to a more authentic, fulfilling life. Remember, changing deep-seated habits takes time and patience, but the personal freedom and improved relationships it brings are invaluable. Embrace your journey towards self-empowerment and revel in the newfound respect you earn from others when they see you respecting yourself. Take comfort in the fact that every small step you take is a step towards a more fulfilling life.